中年期の危機を経て辿り着いたポートレートの可能性

業界を引退してから、もう15年も経つのか…

今朝、顔を洗い終わった時に

ふと 気づき、時間の経過の速さに驚いたのですが、

それ以上に、この数年間はあれから何年経ったと明確に思い返さなかったことに対しての驚きもありました。

業界では引退する数年前から身を引く時期を考え、終盤はフォトグラファーの傍で臨床心理カウンセラーの専門的知識と技術を学び実践も行っていました。

そんな僕が、自分で作り上げできたものの全てを捨て、出版広告業界を引退した後に襲われた想像を遥かに超える喪失感。

実践的な心理学を学び、日々身体に落とし込んでいた僕が呑み込まれた、大きくて深い喪失感。

結局のところ、

考え、引退し、喪失感に打ちのめされ、渦中では丸3年間カメラに触れることすらありませんでした。

そこから抜け出すまで、徹底的に自分の深い部分と向き合ったトータルで約7年の時間は、いわゆる中年期の危機（MidLife Crisis）だったということ。

私のポートレート撮影におけるコンセプトである

存在認知/ STROKE

"あなたの欲しい答えは、その一枚のなかに在る。"

The answer you seek lies within that one frame.

ここに辿り着くことができたのは、これらMidLife Crisisでの経験が大きく影響しているし、もちろん幼少期からの全ての経験と学びがあったからこそ、今ここの自分が在るのだと、強く感じています。

「人生のどの部分が一番充実していたか」ではなく、

日々、自分と向き合いながら生きているのなら、

人生のどの瞬間を切り取っても、そこには充実があり、

とにかく一所懸命で、心はずっと成長し続けている…

そんな感覚があるのです。

常にそうした渦中にいるからこそ、

「あれから何年経ったか」などと、定期的に振り返ることが少ないのかもしれません。

そして今は、過去よりも、これまでに感じたことのないほど未来を見つめ、

時間の有限さを痛感しながら、今日という日を生きています。

⸻

Photographer MAL / 丸本祐佐

「The possibilities of portraiture revealed through a midlife crisis」

Has it really been fifteen years since I left the industry?

This morning, as I finished washing my face,

I suddenly realised it—and was struck by how quickly time has passed.

But even more surprising was the fact that I hadn’t clearly recalled how many years had gone by until that very moment.

In the final years before retiring from the industry,

I had already begun to consider stepping away,

and alongside my work as a photographer,

I studied and practised the techniques and knowledge of clinical psychology.

And yet, after I walked away from everything I had built with my own hands and left the world of publishing and advertising,

what struck me was a loss far deeper than anything I could have imagined.

Despite all I had learned—practical psychology, embodied daily—it could not prepare me for the sheer weight and depth of the emptiness that followed.

In the end, I thought it through, retired, was consumed by that loss,

and for three whole years, I didn’t even touch a camera.

To emerge from that place, I had to confront the deepest parts of myself.

The process took seven years in total.

Looking back, I now understand:

that period was what is often called a Midlife Crisis.

My current concept in portrait photography is:

Recognition of Existence / STROKE

“The answer you seek lies within that one frame.”

I would never have arrived at this without going through the Midlife Crisis—

and of course, without every experience and lesson I’ve carried with me since childhood.

It’s all of it that shapes who I am, here and now.

It’s not about which phase of life was the most fulfilling.

If I keep facing myself and living each day with intention,

then every moment I look back on feels whole,

filled with effort, and touched by a sense that the heart is always growing.

Perhaps that’s why I rarely stop to count how many years have passed—

because I’m always inside that process.

And today, more than ever before, I find myself thinking about the future.

Not the past.

Feeling, as never before, the weight of time’s limits—

and choosing to live this day, fully aware of its worth.

⸻

Photographer MAL / MARUMOTO YUSUKE